“Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.” -Eckhart Tolle
When we experience anger, sometimes the anger is all we can feel. Rest assured, however, the emotion of anger is never by itself. Instead, the anger is driven by at least one other emotion behind it such as fear or hurt. If we react to a situation based on that anger, rather than take a moment to feel what else is there, we can push people away, which often has the effect of emotionally hurting ourselves even more, and possibly also hurting those around us. Anger can be a tricky emotion that impedes our ability to deal with the real emotion that lies underneath the anger.
It can be so much more effective in getting our needs met and maintaining positive relationships if we can figure out what else is there besides the anger and get that emotional need met instead of addressing the anger. Trying to address the anger typically pushes others away, but if you can express how you feel (other than the anger), others often react empathetically, or at least more open to hearing you out.
Although any emotion can accompany anger, the emotions that typically accompany anger are fear, frustration, and hurt. If you feel beyond the anger and recognize that you feel hurt, for example, be assertively open about it with the other person. Being assertive means being authentic, direct, and respectful all at once. If you address it passively, it is likely the other person will miss what you are trying to say, which will leave you still feeling unsatisfied about the situation. If you address it aggressively, you will shut the other person down, again not getting your needs met and being left unsatisfied. However, if you address it assertively with a statement like, “I felt hurt when you said that to me,” it is much less likely that the other person will react defensively because this approach is authentic and non-attacking. Also, it’s tough to argue with someone about how they feel.
