According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, we have five needs that are innate within all of us. Additionally, these needs must be met in order. The first of these needs is our PHYSIOLOGICAL needs. These are things like food, water, air, sleep, etc. These are the most basic of all of our needs. When our physiological needs are consistently met, only then are we emotionally and mentally available to address the next need which is SAFETY. The need for safety refers to not just our physical safety but our emotional safety as well. Once our safety needs are met consistently, then we can focus on the next need in the hierarchy which is LOVE/BELONGING. The two other needs that Maslow points out in his theorem are SELF-ESTEEM and SELF-ACTUALIZATION. However, for the purposes of this post, we will focus on safety and love/belonging since these are where most couples get stuck, which leads to dissatisfaction in the relationship.
One important thing to keep in mind is why we get into relationships in the first place. For most people, whether we really thought much about it or not, the answer is that we are looking for an emotional connection with that person. Sometimes we have needs that we don’t really give much thought to, but those needs are there nonetheless, and according to Maslow, we all have a need to emotionally connect with another person, or as he refers to it, it is our need for love/belonging. If we are cognitively aware of our needs, then we can keep them in our focus as goals.
It is important to pay attention to when those goals are threatened. For example, how often does your partner ask you, “What’s wrong?” and you respond with, “Nothing.” Or maybe it’s you asking your partner what’s wrong, and, “Nothing” is the response you often hear. It doesn’t feel very good to the person on the receiving end of “nothing” to hear that.
One reason for this is that around 90% of human communication is nonverbal, so when something is not right, your partner KNOWS it! What this means is that when you tell them that “nothing” is wrong, it is going to feel to them as though you are being very guarded and not letting them in, which will put emotional distance between you and your partner…and it does not feel emotionally safe, so love/belonging suffers as a result.
Since these needs are a hierarchy and must be met in order, if emotional safety is not met, then love/belonging will not be met satisfactorily either.
To foster emotional safety and then love/belonging, be sure to be open with your partner and encourage them to be open with you. Most often, the content you have to share with them will not be as tough for them to handle as you might anticipate. However, the emotional distance that not being open would have created would definitely be tough for them to handle. Just remember to be assertive in your communication, which means being simultaneously direct, respectful, and authentic. Being assertive is a great way to make it emotionally safe, which fosters love/belonging.
