Feeling Unreal? Understanding Depersonalization

Have you ever looked in the mirror and felt as if the person looking back was a stranger? Or walked through a familiar room and felt as though you were watching a movie of your own life? These moments can be unsettling, and many people quietly wonder if something is “wrong” with them. Often, what they are describing is depersonalization or derealization, two common forms of dissociation.

What depersonalization and derealization mean

Dissociation is a disconnection from thoughts, feelings, memories, body sensations, or surroundings. Depersonalization and derealization are two ways that disconnection can show up.

• Depersonalization is a feeling of being detached from yourself. You may feel like an outside observer of your body, thoughts, or emotions, or feel numb, robotic, or “not really here.”
• Derealization is a feeling that the world around you is not real. People often describe it as being behind glass, in a fog, or inside a dream. Familiar places can seem strange, flat, or far away.

The two often show up together. Importantly, people with these experiences usually know that something feels off. They understand that the world is still there, even if it does not feel that way.

How common are these experiences?

More common than most people think. Research estimates that many adults will have a brief episode of depersonalization or derealization at some point, often during intense stress, exhaustion, or fear. A short episode on its own is not a disorder. When the feelings are persistent or keep returning and cause real distress or get in the way of daily life, clinicians may consider depersonalization/derealization disorder, which is described in the DSM-5-TR. Only a qualified professional can make that assessment.

Why does the mind do this?

Dissociation is best understood as a protective response. When something feels overwhelming, the mind can turn down the volume by creating distance from painful emotions or sensations. This can be a smart, even helpful, strategy in the moment. It is especially common after trauma, including long-term or repeated stressful experiences, and in people with anxiety or depression.

Sometimes the strategy keeps going after the danger has passed. The nervous system learns that “checking out” works, so it does it again when stress rises, even when you would prefer to stay present. Other factors can play a part as well, such as poor sleep, panic, certain substances, or medical conditions. If these feelings are new, it is wise to talk with a medical provider to rule out physical causes.

Signs you might notice

• Feeling numb or emotionally “flat,” even during important moments
• Seeing yourself or your life from the outside
• Surroundings that look blurry, distant, unreal, or oddly two-dimensional
• Time that seems to speed up, slow down, or go missing
• Feeling that your body, hands, or voice do not belong to you
• Trouble concentrating or remembering what just happened

Having some of these experiences does not mean you have a disorder, and this list is not a way to diagnose yourself. It simply helps you put words to what you are noticing.

Gentle ways to come back to the present

Grounding skills help your brain notice that you are safe in the here and now. They work best when practiced regularly, not only in hard moments. A few to try:

• Use your senses. Name five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.
• Change the temperature. Hold a cold glass of water, rinse your hands with cool water, or step outside into fresh air.
• Move your body. Press your feet into the floor, stretch, or take a short walk and notice each step.
• Orient to the room. Say out loud where you are, today’s date, and one thing you plan to do later.
• Slow your breath. Breathe out a little longer than you breathe in for a minute or two.

Be patient with yourself. If a skill does not help, that does not mean you did it wrong. Different skills work for different people, and a therapist can help you find your best fit.

How therapy can help

Therapy for depersonalization and derealization usually begins with understanding what is happening and building a sense of safety and steadiness. From there, a therapist can help you notice early signs of disconnection, strengthen grounding skills, and gently work with the stress or trauma that may sit underneath. The pace is set with you, never rushed. Many people find that as they feel safer inside, the sense of unreality happens less often and passes more quickly.

If you live in California and these experiences sound familiar, you do not have to sort through them alone. Susan Canchola, MS, LMFT, offers care for dissociation in person in Ventura and online across California. You can learn more about dissociative disorders and how therapy works, or reach out here to ask a question or schedule a first conversation.

This article is for education and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 in the United States.